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 Satire

BREAKING: Lebanon elects a new president

(BEIRUT, LEBANON) — Lebanon’s parliament made a shocking decision on Wednesday to elect nationwide icon Haifa Wehbe as the country’s new president.

“This is a historic day in Lebanon,” said Prime Minister Tammam Salam during a press conference outside of the Parliament building in Beirut. “We are confident that Haifa will restore trust in Lebanon’s presidential position.”

Lebanon has been without a president since Michel Sleiman’s term expired on May 25, 2014. Parliament members failed to reach quorum in all 20 rounds of voting since May.

But today’s decision comes at a surprise for many Lebanese citizens who were already acclimated to life without a president.

“It really doesn’t matter to us,” said Jacques Shaheen, owner of a Beirut-based flower shop. “If we cared, we would’ve protested and launched a revolution, but we’re simply fed up with the system.”

But political leaders say Lebanon’s new president will introduce policy reforms that will restore patriotism in the Mediterranean country.

“Wehbe will bring a lot of excitement to Lebanon’s political system,” said Walid Joumblatt, leader of the Progressive Socialist Party. “I’m very pleased with parliament’s decision to bring beauty and brains to Lebanon’s head of state.”

Haifa is widely recognized for her sex appeal as a former singer and actress. But this new position as president of the Republic of Lebanon will bring new diplomatic duties for the global leader.

Haifa hosted a press conference outside of the presidential palace in Baabda earlier today, where she unveiled her political platform for her presidential term.

“I promise to ‘boos’ all the ‘wawa’s’ in Lebanon’s political system,” Haifa said. “I will begin by terminating “The Sisters” TV show on LBC because there’s no doubt that I’m the only Lebanese woman that matters.”

When asked by the press if she qualifies for this position, Haifa replied: “I was ranked 8th in the Top 99 Most Desirable Women. What more qualification do you need?”

Haifa_For_President_by_tuqann

Check your calendar! It’s April 1st.

Come on, did you really think Lebanese parliament would follow the constitution?

Lebanon’s leaders would never commit such an atrocity!

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 Entertainment

Najwa Karam releases patriotic Lebanese song called ‘Kelmit 7a2’

(BEIRUT, LEBANON) — Lebanese singer Najwa Karam released a new patriotic Lebanese song called “Kelmit 7a2” where she appears to address “enemies” of Lebanon.

The song was written by Nizar Francis, composed by Sam Al Amir, and distributed by Tony Saba.

Karam was born and raised in Zahlé, Lebanon to a Catholic family, where she attended a Christian school in Zahlé and later earned a bachelor’s degree in philosophy.

Karam was previously placed on a black list of “disgrace” artists when she released a song titled “Bashar Al Qaed” where she praised Syrian president Bashar Al Assad at the beginning of the Syrian revolution. She has since been removed on the so-called blacklist after altering her position.

“(The songs) didn’t necessarily take political sides and I don’t like to get involved with revolutions,” Karam once said. “I’m happy to sing patriotic songs, but I avoid politically tense situations.”

But her new song “Kelmit 7a2” seems to offer a new perspective on Karam’s patriotic tunes.

“You make me love Lebanon even more,” wrote one fan on YouTube.

LISTEN to Najwa’s “Kelmit 7a2”:

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 News

Lebanese fashion designer Basil Soda dies at 47

(BEIRUT, LEBANON) — Lebanese fashion designer Basil Soda, 47, died at a Beirut hospital on Monday after a two-year battle with a medical illness, according to media reports.

Soda was known for quickly spreading into international fashion markets after launching his high-profile fashion line in 2001. Years later, several American celebrities wore his signature line at red carpet events, attracting global attention and soaring his brand.

Soda studied architecture at Holy Spirit University of Kaslik, and opened his first atelier in Sin El Fil in 2009, where he employed over 150 tailors and garment workers to cater to private clientele.

“We are sorry to announce the loss of Basil Soda, the great international designer, he who built his company single-handedly from the ground up,” the company said in a statement. “A great man who will always be remembered for his craft and beautiful soul.”

Soda has dressed Katy Perry, Guliana Rancic, Marion Cotillard, and Emily Blunt, among others. His brand has locations in major cities around the world, including New York, Vienna, Dubai, Hong Kong, and Toronto.

His ready-to-wear collection launched in 2010 in major international markets with high price tags starting at over $2,000.

The average price for a ready-to-wear evening dress costs around $3,000, according to fashion experts.

The nature of his illness was not revealed, however some media reports said he died from cancer.

Funeral services will be held on Tuesday at Our Lady of Annunciation in Beirut.

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 City Beat, Detroit, News

Amine Gemayel visits Lebanese community in Detroit

(DETROIT, MI) — Former President of Lebanon Amine Gemayel visited the Lebanese community in Detroit on Saturday, after making stops in Washington, DC and Boston earlier this week.

Gemayel was a guest of local business owner Toufic Souaid, who hosted a luncheon for the former president attended by local Lebanese-American leaders and party representatives.

WATCH highlights of Gemayel’s visit to Detroit:

Gemayel spoke exclusively with Lebanese Examiner Managing Editor Charlie Kadado about the ongoing political climate in Lebanon, and the role of Lebanese expatriates in helping to mend security conflicts.

“(Members of the diaspora) should plead the cause of Lebanon through the governments, the media, and the various leadership where they are,” he said. “The diaspora is very important for Lebanon’s existence and pluralism.”

Gemayel’s remarks come three days after he spoke to Boston College and called 2014 “a year of existential crisis” for Middle East Christians. He adds that Lebanon’s pluralism provides a “unique” blueprint for other Middle Eastern countries.

“Lebanon is an example for a harmonious coexistence among the various religious communities,” said Gemayel. “That’s what we’re trying to protect.”

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 Entertainment, News

Report: Kuwaiti man tried to molest Najwa Karam

(KUWAIT CITY) — A report published by a Kuwaiti-based newspaper revealed that a Kuwaiti man was referred to police after “trying to molest” Lebanese singer Najwa Karam upon arriving at the Kuwait International Airport.

“A security source said several youths gathered around the renowned singer and one of them behaved indecently, so the bodyguard of the singer confronted him,” said Arab Times, the first English-language newspaper published in Kuwait.

The Kuwaiti was referred to Jleeb Al-Shuyoukh law enforcement after allegedly trying to molest the popular singer, according to Kuwaiti newspaper, Al Rai.

Media reports add that the Kuwaiti was released from custody after signing a “pledge.”

Karam, 49, is a Lebanese multi-platinum, best-selling recording artist in the Middle East, who has sold over 60 million records worldwide.

The report comes a few months after Karam lashed out at an audience member in Sydney, Australia after reportedly getting harassed halfway during her show.

“Money does not buy us nor does it buy you, and shame on you for what you are doing,” she told the unidentified man.

Karam has yet to comment on this latest incident.

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 City Beat, Detroit

Future Movement Michigan commemorates 10 years since Hariri’s assassination

(DETROIT, MI) — The Michigan Chapter of the Future Movement political party held a banquet on Thursday, commemorating the 10-year anniversary since the assassination of former Prime Minister Rafic Hariri, who was assassinated on Feb. 14, 2005.

Hariri was a celebrated political icon and business tycoon, who was known as a voice of moderation and advocate for an independent and prosperous Lebanon.

The Michigan political group hosted Mirna Meneimneh, Expatriates Sector General Coordinator for Tayyar Al-Mustaqbal in Lebanon, who also attended a luncheon welcoming former President of Lebanon Amine Gemayel on Saturday.

Meneimneh said the late premier’s efforts will continue under the “promise” of his son, former Prime Minister Saad Hariri.

WATCH Future Movement Michigan President Ibrahim Hakkani talk about the commemoration:

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 News

Abu Faour shuts down over 100 unlicensed nurseries

(BEIRUT, LEBANON) — Lebanese Minister of Health Wael Abu Faour called for the immediate closure of 120 nurseries in Lebanon for violating licensing laws in Lebanon, and operating their businesses illegally.

Abu Faour ordered the immediate closure of the nurseries during a recent press conference, amid ongoing controversy following the deaths of two babies in Lebanon.

According to the Lebanese National News Agency, Abu Faour said that “two thirds of nurseries in Lebanon are not licensed.”

“We are facing a crisis in the ethics, not just in law, in nurseries,” the health minister said. “It’s like we’re living in a jungle. This is considered an act of rebellion against the law and the government.”

Abu Faour said his staff conducted an investigation of 304 daycare centers in all regions of Lebanon. Initial inspection showed that 205 of the 304 centers were operating without licenses.

But Abu Faour announced that 85 of them have applied and obtained licenses since the investigation. The remainder will face immediate closure and legal ramifications.

“But after what happened at two nurseries in the past weeks, we have decided to shut down all 120 unlicensed nurseries until they meet the necessary health standards,” he said.

Abu Faour’s decision comes a few days after Clarinette et Zoe Nursery in Aajaltoun was shut down after a four-month-old died at the facility.

The minister urged parents to inquire about any nursery and check whether it responds to law conditions before enrolling their children.

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 News

Israeli cluster bomb injures 6 boys in south Lebanon

(BEIRUT, LEBANON) — An Israeli cluster bomb has injured six boys in Lebanon’s southern village of Zibqine, according to Lebanon’s state-run National News Agency.

Local media reports say the children were taken to the Lebanese-Italian Hospital in Tyre after approaching a cluster bomb left behind from the the 2006 war.

The children were reportedly finishing their picnic in a valley between the villages of Zibqine and Ezziyeh, when the bomb detonated.

Security sources say the victims were between six and eight years old.

“We were having a picnic next to a river in Zebqin and on the way back, my friend stepped on a device that exploded, and we were all hit,” six-year-old Hussein Bazzi said, according to Agence France-Presse.

According to the United Nations mine center, more than 30 Lebanese civilians have died in cluster bomb blasts in Lebanon since the war ended. The UN adds that Israel dropped 4 million cluster bombs during the 34-day conflict.

Human Rights Watch described the Israeli use of cluster bombs as “unacceptably inaccurate and unreliable weapons when used around civilians” and that “they should never be used in populated areas.”

Experts say that up to 1 million of these devices failed to explode and continue to endanger civilians in the area. The United Nations and other international groups have been working to remove the deadly devices since 2006.

Israel refused to sign the 2010 Convention on Cluster Munitions, which bans the development and use of these bombs.

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 News

Gemayel speaks to Boston College on ‘religious pluralism’

UPDATE: Gemayel is currently in Washington, DC. and will visit Detroit, Michigan on Saturday, March 28 for a community luncheon.

(BOSTON, MA) — “I have never in my life witnessed Middle East Christians in such extreme danger,” Amine Gemayel warned on Wednesday. Speaking at a public lecture at Boston College, the former president of Lebanon called 2014 “a year of existential crisis” for Middle East Christians.

He raised “the specter of genocide,” in the context of atrocities suffered by Christians and other religious minorities in the region at the hands of the Islamic State and other extremists.

“If present negative trends continue to intensify,” Gemayel said, “we must start thinking about the unthinkable: the extinction of Christianity” in the region.

In addition to an enormous human toll, the former president claimed that the end of Middle East Christianity would “destabilize the region for generations.”

Compounding the crisis, Gemayel said, is the “inexplicable” lack of attention the issue receives from the international community. In particular, he said, “the response by the United States has been a resounding non-response.”

Gemayel noted Washington’s failure last summer to use airstrikes to halt the Islamic State’s mass religious cleansing of Iraqi Christians and Yezidis while using these means to defend other interests, such as oil installations.

While acknowledging that the U.S. is “constantly buffeted by demands” for proactive policies, Gemayel pointed out that the U.S. not only has “the military means to do more,” but is politically positioned to act due to lead its “strong relationships with regional governments.”

Specifically, Gemayel encouraged Washington to support the Vatican’s proposal for “a UN-backed military force, with Muslim participation, to stop religious cleansing in the Middle East,” and the establishment of internationally-guaranteed “in-country safe havens.”

He furthermore appealed to the United States to intensify its support for Lebanon in its fight against the Islamic State and in its care for Syrian refugees.

Ultimately, he asserted, an “Arab Marshall Plan” would be needed to reconstruct Arab countries and encourage Arab youth to “embrace democratic ideas as a prelude to the establishment of democratic systems.”

Gemayel also stressed the need for responsible Muslim leadership to turn their expressions of sympathy with persecuted Christians into “a comprehensive plan of action.”

Gemayel’s talk was cosponsored by Christian Solidarity International and Boston College’s School of Theology and Ministry, Department of Slavic and Eastern Languages and Literatures, Department of Political Science, and Boisi Center for Religion and American Public Life.

This Friday, March 27, the UN Security Council will be addressing the existential threat to Middle East minorities raised by President Gemayel.

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 New York

Machnouk meets with U.S. officials to discuss regional security concerns

(WASHINGTON, DC) — Lebanese Interior Minister Nouhad Machnouk is visiting Washington D.C. this week to meet with U.S. security officials about Lebanon’s ongoing efforts to defeat the Islamic State.

Machnouk has planned meetings with CIA director John Brennan, Deputy Secretary of State Tony Blinken, Homeland Security Advisor to President Obama Lisa Monaco, and Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson.

Machnouk met with Monaco on Tuesday to discuss the U.S.-Lebanon partnership and regional security concerns. The meeting followed a gathering of Lebanese-American lobbyists led by Lebanon’s ambassador to the United States, Antoine Chedid.

Monaco commended the performance of the Internal Security Forces and the Lebanese Armed Forces in safeguarding Lebanon’s security and sovereignty in the midst of ongoing regional challenges.

She also reiterated the need for all Lebanese parties to “implement the policy of dissociation” from the Syrian conflict, in a White House press statement.

Machnouk also met with James Comey, director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, according to The Daily Star. Comey reportedly “praised Lebanon’s January crackdown on the Islamist block of Roumieh prison,” according to the Beirut-based newspaper.

In a statement to the Lebanese National News Agency, Machnouk said U.S. officials had “confirmed (their) readiness to provide (Lebanese Security Forces) and the General Security, all the necessary equipment and training.”

Machnouk’s visit to the United States comes a few weeks after the United States donated $25 million worth of weapons and ammunition to the Lebanese Army.

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